I just found this while going through a bunch of old documents on my computer. The  file says the last mod date was 5/2/2001. I haven’t made any edits to it, so it remains completely intact. Enjoy!

The Punk Rock Rulebook

By: Roach McKrackin (With apologies to noone)

Chapters

Hiding the parts of you that aren’t punk
What’s cool vs What’s uncool

Where you live

How to start your very own Punk Rock Band

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You must NEVER be sober

1.)     NEVER let anyone else tell you what to do (Unless they’re more punk than you)

2.)      sXe is all about golf!

3.)     You’re a poser if you listen to anything that isn’t “punk”

4.)     Never tell ANYONE that you’re from the suburbs

5.)     If you borrow your mom’s lexus, park it at least 5 blocks away from the show

6.)     if anyone asks, you lived in (insert major city) all your life, and you’ve been living on the streets since you were 13

7.)     Remember, it’s COOL to be POOR

8.)     when a punk show, only the following postures are allowed – standing, feet shoulder-width apart, arms crossed or arms hung loosely at sides, with a beer in the right hand

9.)     never reveal your exact age: if you are under 18, say you’re older.  If you are older than 23, say you’re younger

10.)  Rap is Evil

11.) When people ask why you never finished high school or went to college, blame society’s oppressive atmosphere towards woman/minorities/punks/”different” people

12.)  One of the favorite pastimes of punks is talk about how the scene was so much better “back in the day”.  Practice this at home in front of the mirror, or tape record yourself and play it back so you can see how you sound.  Try and inflect age and wisdom into your voice.

13.) When someone asks why you dye your hair and squat, tell them it’s because you’re a fierce individualist, just like all your friends, and you refuse to let anyone else dictate what you do.

14.) always cut the DOGPILE tags off of your bondage pants

15.) when people ask you how you keep your mohawk up straight, just scowl at them and don’t answer

16.) It’s not cool to be into religion, unless it’s The Church of the Subgenius or Discordianism

17.) It’s not even cool to be into Bad Religon, because they are sellouts

18.) Don’t accept new people into your clique. Remember, punk is only for an elite few

19.) ALWAYS CLAIM DIY

20.) don’t be an activist.  It takes away vaulable time from drinking.   Only particpate in demonstrations and protests if there a possibility of breaking stuff.  If you must be an activist, only the following charities are allowed – food not bombs, and any anti-ftaa group.

21.) Authority sucks, but you’ll get punk points if you’ve been in jail try to get put in jail for something cool, like getting in a fight with a police officer.

22.) remember, even though you just shelled out good money for this book, capitalism is evil!!

23.) the true punk can socialize easily with skins.  This shows the other punks that he’s cool among other groups of people too.  Practice saying “oi” a lot to fit in with this group

24.) All people should live in peace and harmony without governments or money.  Except racists.  There should be a law against them.  And people who hurt the environment.  And people who wear fur.  They should all be jailed…

25.) impress your friends with your knowledge of obscure bands.  Nothing looks cooler than saying “I hitchhiked to boise, ID just to see a DUMSHITZ show.  DUMSHITZ are the best band ever” or “Man, I met Roach from Entrophy in Harvard Sq”… Make up band names if you have to.

26.) come up with punk nickname.  usually this can be done by inserting something gross or unappealing in your name.  Erik Snot, Roach McKrackin, or Scab Dan are good ones. Also Naming yourself after any character from a post-apocalyptic 80’s movie is cool. the 80’s were SOOO punk rock, and even though you are most likely too young to remember them, it’s good to reminisce. anything from the 80’s is cooler than anything now.  Not just movies, also fashion, movies, and hair. Then only thing cooler than the 80’s is anything made in the year 1977…

27.) Racism is bad.  Any other form of elititism is bad, especially classism.  nobody has the right to think they’re above you.  Especially those losers who listen to Freedom Rock.  Modern Hippies are so lame, be glad you’re so much better than they are.

28.) there are only two kinds of pants that are acceptable – camoflauge fatigues, and plaid bondage pants.  pants must be rolled up just to the top of the boot.

Where you live

Ok, there’s lots of important stuff to remember about this… Firstly, NEVER EVER tell ANYONE that you live in the Suburbs. Suburban Punk just isn’t cool. If anyone asks, you lived in  Insert City Here, and you’ve been living on the streets since you were 13 years old. Alternatively, you could also say that you “don’t live anywhere in particular”, and that you’ve squatted and/or hitchhiked to every major scene. Living in a friends basement is an unacceptable answer… The only thing worse is to say “I still live with my parents”. Actually, thinking about it, anything that lets you avoid paying rent is OK, but there’s some stuff that should remain unspoken. Use your knowledge wisely.

TEAR OUT CARD

here is a handy list of phrases you can use.  keep them in your pocket so you can use them whenever the situation arises

“All these pop punk bands owe their existence to bands like Dag Nasty.  I hear Dag Nasty may be touring on the Warped Tour this year, but I would never go to Warped Tour, it’s all a bunch of pousers”

“Why yes, I like INFEST.  No I can’t quote you lyrics”

“Fuck You”

“No these aren’t brand new doc martens, I found them in a dumpster.  they just happen to be my size”

Scratch Sheet

Don’t accept new people into your clique… they may also be punker than you, in which case you could end up spending countless dollars on new tats, piercings, and records

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That’s it, hope you liked it. Oh yeah, and if you don’t get the joke, you’re a fucking moron!